You would think that volunteering would be easy.....work when you want, take a random day off if you feel like it. After all your not getting paid! It's just not the case here. We work like normal employees who work more hours than normal workers. I've never sat down to do it but i'm sure i work on average a twelve hour day. We've just finished kids club and I'm genuinely finished. Emotionally, physically and mentally. I feel like i couldn't do another kids club again but then tomorrow arrives and something strange happens. I feel re-motivated by some unknown energy. It's happened all year.
every piece of work i have done here has been about the toughest thing I've ever done. Kids who's instantaneous reaction is to anything is cry.....kids who talk of their future in gangs..adults who cry because of the difficulties facing them and their families because gangs terrorize their neighborhoods...passing homeless people asleep in the middle of the pavement because they can't access a bed for the night. The need destroys me. I can't meet it all and i can't really deal with it all emotionally. Last night i walked home past a man asleep on a pile of clothes beside a clothing bank. This is in Brixton one of the most dangerous boroughs in London. The chances are high of being mugged on the way home let alone the chances of being attacked whilst asleep on a pavement. The next morning on my way to work i passed the same man still asleep on the pavement....was he dead i thought? but who in London would stop to check. I didn't!
My mum will be glad to hear me utter the words i think I'm working too hard. I've done it all year and incredibly I've continued to work hard even when i didn't have the basic supports in place. I suppose the idea of a frontline gap year is too push you well out of your comfort zone so that when you reflect on it there is significant personal change. What worries me is my future and that on the 5th August on the train back to Scotland my mental state is going to actually reveal to me the extent of the damage done. I suppose stepping out of your comfort zone can be both flourishing and damaging. Flourishing if you've got the wisdom to see your limits and damaging if you push yourself too far. This feeling is the result of four weeks where the church has relied solely on it's volunteers and running a church that's open six days a week is not easy.
This Blog is me voicing an honest refection of how i actually feel in this moment. I don't Blog often because it takes too much energy at the end of a very long day. Tomorrow I'll feel different and my tendency would be to blog a more positive comment. Also, i don't write these things to be lost. I'll be sure to voice my feelings to the people who manage me. So a final story from today. Warm sunny day cafe buzzing....in walks one of our resident homeless men. His name is peace. Throws up all over the floor.........
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4 comments:
Thanks for this honest, heart-searching and revealing post. We'll pray for you. You're daily living of the 'crucified life' is an example to us all.
I hope too that the organisation you're with invest pastorally in their volunteers like you, to make sure that they are not burnt-out and used-up, but also built up to turn this experience into a foundation for a life spent in service to others.
We'll be away when you get back to Scotland - so we won't see you for a while. However - I really hope you keep blogging once you leave London, you have a lot of things to say which are worth hearing.
Andrew, Thank you for this post, it was honest, from the heart, and yes, being re-motivated is a wonderful feeling, like a great shower in the morning, refreshing, our Lord gets us ready for another day to extend his territory. You have made a difference in the lives of these teens, and you will never know it, but you have extended His territory.
Kids who talk of their future in gangs, will start to think of you and your will hear your voice and rethink about their choices.
Thank you for all you do for the teens who need to hear His history, His love for them, and His gift to them.
My prayers are with you and the decisions that you make for your future.
A friend in America - Roger
You will have achieved more in your time in London than you will ever know.
Burning yourself out is easier than most people imagine - the instinctive desire to keep going in spite of your health to conquer that terrifying but perceived fear of failure. It is a wise man who knows his limits.
Take care - will be praying for you.
Oh dear - well done Andy for recognising your limits - I hope not too late. You have done amazing work and it would be awful to loose your sense of achievement. I would suggest however that you shouldn't have to come to this point yourself in what is meant to be a safe, loving and supportive environment. It's really quite shocking that a church organisation could consistently let young people work 12 hour days! Not a good example of a responsible church where training, mentoring and supervision should be the bench mark of good practice. How on earth do you have time to reflect on the work you're doing and to grow spiritually - I imagine the main purpose of your year out. I've no doubt that you've learned loads but to leave exhausted defeats the purpose somewhat.
Do your managers read your blog? If not why not and if they do, let's hear what they have to say?
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